Bar and Bat Mitzvah: A formative moment you’ll never forget

For our Bar/Bat Mitzvah issue, The Jewish Voice asked several Rhode Island rabbis and a state senator to reflect on that most special day in every Jewish child’s life. Here are excerpts: 

Rabbi Jeffrey Goldwasser Temple Sinai, Cranston

Date of your Bar Mitzvah?

Monday, May 31, 1976 (Memorial Day!).

Where?   

Congregation Emanu-El of Westchester, in Rye, New York (Reform).

What was most challenging about becoming a Bar Mitzvah and what was most rewarding? 

I remember weekly tutoring lessons with a very sweet woman – Mrs. Wolf, I think I remember – who kindly tolerated my every effort to divert the conversation away from my Torah reading, but who managed to get me to learn it. That was both the hardest part and the most rewarding part. I do not have many memories of the service itself. 

What was your haftarah portion?   

Since my service was on a Monday, I did not read the haftarah that goes with the Torah portion Bamidbar. If I had, it would have been Hosea 2:1-22, which is not G-rated.

I am grateful that I was spared the experience of reading about adultery and harlotry as a 13-year-old boy!

If you could describe the moment when you finished reading Torah at your service in one word, what would it be? 

I don’t remember, but I imagine that I was relieved.

How did it feel to have the support of family and friends to celebrate this joyous occasion with you? 

It felt wonderful. My grandfather (may his memory be a blessing) was particularly pleased about his only grandson becoming a Bar Mitzvah. He loved telling me stories about his experience as a 13-year-old in Hungary.

How was the party? Was there a theme? Memorable moments?

The party was in our backyard. My parents rented a tent for the occasion. I remember a large number of relatives whose names I did not know! (I have a very large extended family.) The only theme was “Jeffrey is a Bar Mitzvah,” and that was all I wanted.

I remember being handed more envelopes than I could fit into the pockets of my light-blue polyester suit. (It was the ’70s ....)  This was in an era before today’s over-the-top Bar Mitzvah parties. I don’t remember any of my friends having “themes” at their parties, either, and the backyard reception was not unusual in those days.

Did your Bar Mitzvah change your life in any way or influence your decision to become a rabbi? 

Not in any way that I noticed at the time. I did not even think about becoming a rabbi until I was about 30 years old. However, the things I learned in preparing for my Bar Mitzvah service – Jewish values and morality, the Hebrew language and love of Torah – stuck with me and influenced my later life.

Rabbi Marc Mandel,

Touro Synagogue

Newport

Date of your Bar Mitzvah?

June 29, 1974.

Where?

The White Shul, Far Rockaway, New York (Orthodox).

What was most challenging about becoming a Bar Mitzvah and what was most rewarding? 

There was a lot of Torah reading to prepare, but I started a year in advance, so it went smoothly, and it felt great to read the entire parashah.  

If you could describe the moment when you finished reading Torah at your service in one word, what would it be? 

Injured – the rabbi who taught me my parashah was squeezing my hand so tight during my reading if I went too fast.

How did it feel to have the support of family and friends to celebrate this joyous occasion with you? 

It really was a fun time to celebrate with family and friends. It brought people together.  

How was the party? Was there a theme? Memorable moments?

The party was great! Lots of delicious food and treats! 

Did your Bar Mitzvah change your life in any way or influence your decision to become a rabbi?

I think it did influence me to become a rabbi, because we had so many speeches, and I thought to myself, I can do that! 

Gayle Goldin,

Rhode Island state senator  

Date of your Bat Mitzvah?

July 7, 1984.

What synagogue?  

Ahavath Achim, in Atlanta (Conservative).

What was most challenging about becoming a Bar Mitzvah and what was most rewarding? 

I believe I was the first woman to read from the Torah at my synagogue. It was both terrifying and incredibly powerful for me.  

I constantly pushed for a more gender-inclusive and egalitarian synagogue in my youth, so it was deeply meaningful to me to read from the Torah.

What was your haftarah portion?

 I believe that my parashah was Pinchas, which was also my father’s Bar Mitzvah parashah (and his Hebrew name), which is what connected the day to me.

My father’s parents had escaped Eastern Europe during the pogroms and made their way to Canada. Even at 13, I think I understood the importance of maintaining that connection to my Jewish ancestors by reading that parashah.

Ultimately, it wasn’t so much what I read, but the act of reading it – of being a woman reading Torah and haftarah, which would have not been possible for my mother’s generation – that was the most meaningful part of it all.

If you could describe the moment when you finished reading Torah at your service in one word, what would it be? 

It was a long time ago, but I’ll go with relieved, given that I very clearly remember that morning, feeling terrified.

How did it feel to have the support of family and friends to celebrate this joyous occasion with you?

I am the youngest of three daughters, and the first to have a Bat Mitzvah, so it was a particularly moving experience for my family. My parents were very proud.

We lived in Atlanta at the time of my Bat Mitzvah, but almost none of our family lived there, so many people traveled a long distance to attend. 

How was the party? Was there a theme? Memorable moments?

We had a party in our house. My dad and I hung pink paper that we bought in large rolls on the walls of our unfinished basement, where the kids danced to a deejay. The adults mingled on the first floor of our house.

The thing I remember most was that the caterer made puff-pastry swans, filled with pareve cream, that were delicious, and that my mother looked beautiful.

Did your Bar Mitzvah change your life in any way?

I wanted to grow up to be a rabbi. At the time, there were no women rabbis in the Conservative movement (Amy Eilberg would be ordained a year later, in 1985). I think the experience of studying for my Bat Mitzvah, and breaking a gender barrier in my own synagogue, made me feel more like Judaism could be something for women, too.

I think my Bat Mitzvah  – as well as years of study – gave me the foundation to grapple with the complexity of the role of gender in Judaism, to fight for an egalitarian religion and to value the importance of breaking glass ceilings.

Later in life, I came to realize it isn’t just the first person who shatters the ceiling that is important, it is all the women who come afterward who continue to shape who we are.

Rabbi Elan Babchuck

rabbi entrepreneur and director of innovation at Clal, the National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership.

Date of your Bar Mitzvah?

June 18, 1995.

What synagogue?  

Newton Centre Minyan, in Newton, Massachusetts, which met at a Lutheran church in Newton. In fact, I read Torah under a 25-foot cross.

What was most challenging about becoming a Bar Mitzvah and what was most rewarding? 

Challenging: The fact that my voice was stuck in the liminal space between boy and man, and cracked at least every minute or two while I was trying to chant and teach in front of the community.

Rewarding: My father had taken me out to buy my first suit – an olive green three-button from the husky section at Simon & Sons – and he made sure I felt like a million bucks when I put it on. I’ll never forget that experience.

If you could describe the moment when you finished reading Torah at your service in one word, what would it be?

Hungry.

How did it feel to have the support of family and friends to celebrate this joyous occasion with you?

It was an indescribable experience to be surrounded by people who – not once – said “Good job!,” but instead shared gratitude for the Torah I taught that morning.

How was the party? Was there a theme? Memorable moments?

The party was ... awkward, but lots of fun anyway. You know the drill – Coke/Pepsi, Snowball dance, Electric Slide and so on. But the highlight was my cousin Dave, who was obsessed with Michael Jackson, doing the entire “Beat It” dance and then getting a standing ovation from the party guests. It was amazing ....

Did your Bar Mitzvah change your life in any way or influence your decision to become a rabbi?

Not quite. But it did ultimately change the way I would go on to officiate them.

In our world, there are so few opportunities to be blessed, and to truly feel it. Yes, sure, there are plenty of rote, pre-formulated ways to give blessings in Jewish life, but how many of them leave the recipient actually feeling blessed, transformed in some way by the moment?

When my parents blessed me that day 22 years ago, I understood in the depths of my being what it meant. And when I stand with B’nai Mitzvah in that exhilarating moment after they’ve read scripture and taught Torah, I do everything in my power to personalize the words, craft the sacred moment, and convey to each of them just how much light they bring into the world by being their true selves in all moments. And my hope is that they can walk away from that moment with an authentic, honest-to-God feeling of being blessed.

SAM SERBY is a freelance writer who lives in East Greenwich. He previously worked at the Peres Center for Peace in Tel Aviv.