Preserving our dignity in troubled times

Adam G. Smith

“Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”                                             – Fred Rogers

As I sit at home in quarantine, like millions of others around the world who are immunocompromised or at high risk for contracting COVID-19 for other reasons, I think about the many twists and turns our lives are taking.

On a personal level, I’m enjoying more time with my wife, our 16 year old and our 3 year old. We make meals together, play board games, wash our hands together, listen to music together, do our best to avoid touching our faces, play in the backyard, wash our hands again, take walks in the evenings through the empty streets of our neighborhood, wash our hands again upon returning home, and maybe watch a movie together before we say the Shema at bedtime with the kids. Somewhere in there, we call or text family and friends to see how everyone is doing and to stay connected.

On a professional level, I notice the changes even more. One of the things I love best about my job as a funeral director is meeting new people and getting to hear the stories of people’s lives. I cherish the trust that a family gives me when I take their loved one under my care. I really like being able to help people on a very personal level.

Now that we are social distancing, I don’t meet everyone in person, but I can still listen, and I can still serve the community. I’m keeping up with information from the Centers for Disease Control, the World Health Organization, the Rhode Island Funeral Directors Association, the governor’s office, Kavod (the national independent Jewish funeral directors association), the Board of Rabbis, synagogues in Rhode Island, every city and town hall in the state (I personally called them regarding attaining death certificates in a timely and safe manner), the local and national news, Jewish Rhode Island and other sources so we can maintain best practices and have the most current information to safely and properly serve our families.

Recommendations and regulations keep changing as we learn more, so keep in mind that the following list of changes was in effect when I wrote this, but the situation is fluid:

• All funeral services must be graveside.

• Register books may not be used.

• Up to five people can attend. Clergy, the funeral director and minimal staff my attend, but must stay 12 feet from the mourners.

• Clergy and family must wait in their vehicles until the casket is lowered and the cemetery staff has moved away from the gravesite.

•  All shoveling of the earth is to be done by cemetery staff only. Besides the possibility of spreading germs via the shovel, the more likely vector of transmission would happen during the exertion of shoveling. People breathe harder and more often when exerting themselves and the air doesn’t have time to clear between each person at the gravesite.

While it is a great mitzvah to take care of loved ones, we are also prohibited from self-harm and harming others. We at Shalom Memorial Chapel make sure a director is there watching as an agent for the family to make sure the grave is closed up properly.

For shiva, we are suggesting phone calls or video chats at specific times, rather than congregating in groups.

We at are trying to be proactive about mitigating the effects of COVID-19 while serving the community. Among other things, we are making a contribution to the Louis & Goldie Chester Full Plate Kosher Food Pantry and we are donating fresh yarmulkes and veils to all the synagogues in Rhode Island once they reopen.

We understand that it is never easy for families that have suffered a loss, and these necessary changes certainly don’t make things any easier. As always, we are dedicated to doing whatever we can to make this difficult time as comfortable as possible for families in a respectful and dignified manner.

During this time of worldwide crisis, when everyone is physically apart, I have never been more aware of how interconnected we really are. Everyone is coming together to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

People from every walk of life: Nurses and doctors who are on the front lines, determined to help people, even at risk to themselves and their families; people who send out messages on Facebook offering to shop for those who are at risk or can’t make it out; friends calling to ask if we need soap or toilet paper, among other necessities that are in short supply; people everywhere offering help and services to strangers, all of them sharing the common thought of helping others.

I always look for the helpers. It gives me hope.

ADAM G. SMITH is the director of Shalom Memorial Chapel, in Cranston. He is on the disaster preparedness committee for the Rhode Island Funeral Directors Association.