Join the battle against domestic violence – it’s a mitzvah

The COVID-19 crisis has changed every aspect of our lives, including increasing domestic violence. According to the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence, calls to domestic-violence crisis hotlines in Rhode Island had increased nearly 30% by April 15. Women in Pawtucket (in May) and Woonsocket (in June) were murdered by men in domestic-violence incidents. And there are similar statistics and stories across the country. 

As men who are engaged in the fight against domestic violence, we are horrified and outraged by this development. 

The increase in violence puts an exclamation point on a problem that has been flashing red and blaring sirens for decades. Already, prior to COVID-19, one in four women in the U.S. will experience violence at the hands of a domestic partner during their lifetimes (as do one in seven men), according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). The CDC also reports that domestic violence has become a leading cause of death among women in the U.S.

Guns are used in the majority of these murders. And in fact, the most predictive factor of someone (almost exclusively white men) becoming a mass shooter is a history of domestic violence, according to a study published in Criminology and Public Policy in 2019.

Many of the same barriers to assistance remain or have become worse since COVID-19 began, and new obstacles have arisen. The lack of affordable housing in Rhode Island keeps many women and children in homes with violent men. A low minimum wage also makes it very difficult for survivors to make ends meet, even with the (limited) assistance that is available (a living wage in Rhode Island would be $32.44 an hour for a one-parent home with two children, well above the minimum wage of $11.50, which begins Oct. 1). 

Furthermore, understandable and justified suspicion of police and other authority figures makes it more difficult for women of color – particularly Black or undocumented women – as well as LGBTQ+ folks; those with mental or physical disabilities; or the unhoused, to escape to safety. In fact, families of police officers experience domestic violence at a 40% rate, much higher than the general population, calling into question officers’ ability to respond appropriately.

You may be asking yourself at this point: Why should Jews care about this issue?  You may be thinking, surely our deeply held belief in shalom bayit, “peace in the home,” keeps Jewish men from inflicting violence on our partners.  

Not a chance. Domestic violence in the Jewish community occurs at around the same rates as most other religious/ethnic communities, according to the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse. That means that one in four women at your shul, your kid’s day school, or at Shabbat dinner might be experiencing domestic violence.

So, we ask Jewish men: Are we willing to stand up to domestic violence in our community? 

According to Chabad.org, the traditional text of the ketubbah (marriage contract) states, “I will work to honor, feed and support you in the custom of Jewish men, who work, honor, feed and support their wives faithfully.” 

While clearly this text references dated gender roles, and doesn’t address Jewish LGBTQ+ marriages, it is instructive in its paternalism. It says that, even in a patriarchal society led entirely by men, in which women were often treated like property, there was unambiguous recognition of the sanctity of the home as a place of safety, nurturing and care, and of men’s duty to keep it that way. 

Even more so, in our supposedly enlightened modern society (where women still make only 79 cents per dollar made by men, and the difference in pay is worse for women of color), it is incumbent upon us to take concrete action towards preventing violence and protecting victims. Treat this as an active mitzvah – its fulfillment requires tangible behavioral change. 

To that end, here are some great ways to get involved in the movement to end men’s violence against women:

• Do not repeat the false statement that domestic violence (or sexual abuse/assault/rape) does not occur in the Jewish community. Interrupt that narrative when you hear it, especially when in male-only spaces.
• Support agunot (women who have been abandoned by their husbands but not given a Jewish divorce, hence leaving them unable to move on) and other women and non-binary people impacted by emotional, financial, physical, sexual or other abuse by their intimate partners. For more information, go to www.getora.org.
• Donate time, money, resources and political support to the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence and/or their member agencies. www.ricadv.org/en.
• For those who identify as men, consider joining the Ten Men program, where you can connect with other men in the fight against violence by men. www.ricadv.org/en/what-we-do/prevention/ten-men.
• Fight for policies that protect victims of violence, such as affordable housing, a living wage, universal and comprehensive health care (including reproductive health and abortion services), and fully funded violence-prevention services.
• Learn about the movement to defund police. Consider that policing and incarceration have not been able to solve the problem of domestic violence, even with abundant funding and resources. Learn about other models of public safety that are focused on investing in communities.
• Speak up when you see something that makes you uncomfortable. Learn the warning signs. A good place for men to start is to watch TED talks by Jackson Katz, a world-renowned expert on domestic violence.

Remember:  Most men are not violent, but most men are silent about it. To continue,violence depends on our silence.  

We write this as members of the 2019-2020 Ten Men cohort. We submit it with great humility, knowing that our work in this struggle builds on centuries of effort put in by those directly affected by domestic violence, and with love – for our fellow men, for our Jewish community  and for our troubled, broken, beautiful and resilient human species.

ADAM CABLE, LICSW, is a clinical social worker.  He is a member of the Ten Men program of the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and a board member of the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island and Congregation Beth Shalom, in Providence.

JON BERESON is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Providence. He is a member of the Ten Men program of the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence.