Dealing with a loss during the holiday

Facing Passover following the loss of a loved one can be a difficult experience, especially if that person played a prominent role in the Seder, which is often the centerpiece of the Passover experience.  For some, it can be particularly hard to celebrate when feeling sad.  The first year can be especially painful as we realize that our lives have changed and that our holiday rituals will never be the same without our lost loved one.  Sometimes the anticipation of the holiday is actually worse than the celebration itself.

So how can we prepare for the holiday?

•             Plan your holiday in advance.  Making changes in your usual traditions can be helpful.

•             Surround yourself with people who love and support you, even if this means attending a different Seder than usual. 

•             If you are the person who usually hosts the Seder, ask other participants to help out by shopping for food or cooking. Do not engage in tasks that you feel unable to handle, but try to avoid canceling your Seder.   Isolating yourself does not resolve uncomfortable feelings. 

•             Allow yourself to experience pleasure during the celebration.  These positive feelings do not mean that you miss the person any less.

•             Take good care of yourself by eating properly, engaging in physical activity and even indulging in playful activities occasionally.

But how can we deal with transitional issues, when perhaps the lost loved one used to lead the Seder?

Consider the ways you can honor your loved one and bring their memory into the Seder: is there a special Kiddush cup you can use, a Haggadah that your loved one felt attached to, a special family recipe that your loved one always enjoyed.  Don’t try to avoid the memories; instead find ways to keep your loved one alive as you continue a family tradition. It may also be a good time to create new traditions. Discuss with others who usually participate in the Seder some new rituals before the holiday.. Examples of new traditions may include:

•             Determine in advance a new leader for the Seder.

•             Share a memory about the loved one.

•             Plan for contemplative time before or after the Seder for your family and friends.

•             Seek out new songs or new Haggadot.

The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way of grieving during holidays. What is important is that we do not overextend ourselves and that we surround ourselves with those who support us during difficult times.

These suggestions can also be applied when a loved one becomes ill or disabled and we are grieving the loss of their functionality. If you are struggling with a loss, please call Jewish Family Service at 401-331-1244 for support.

NICOLE JELLINEK, LICSW is a social worker and coordinator of the Kesher program at Jewish Family Service. ERIN MINIOR, LICSW is the CEO of Jewish Family Service.