Living with grief: Telling our stories

There is a theory in psychology that we all have a narrative, a story that we tell ourselves about ourselves. It is the way in which we understand the unfolding of our lives, our roles in the world, perhaps the meaning or central themes of our lives. It might begin with when and where we were born, and it continues to unfold with the important moments in our lives.

The story I tell about myself might be very different from the story my spouse, my parents or my children tell about me. But that does not make my narrative any less real or true: It is my perspective on the story of my life.

Often a part of this story is a sense of direction, of a particular path. We are not always clear on this expected journey, but it is there.

Sometimes a loss can alter the story in a dramatic way. It changes our roles, and our relationships, not only with other people, but with ourselves. A loss can alter both the ways we understand the past and the ways we envision the future. If a loss is sudden, traumatic or especially difficult, your story gets disrupted and can leave you at a loss. You might feel at sea, uncertain where you are or where you are going.

This profound shift can be difficult to manage. So often we define ourselves within the context of relationships (parent, child, sibling, friend). When the relationship is profoundly changed by a loss, we can feel unmoored. While this is incredibly difficult and unique to each person, it is not uncommon or abnormal. At times, being able to reflect on what we had believed about our lives, consciously or unconsciously, can help us understand our grief and the many layers of loss we are experiencing.

This process might involve lone contemplation, conversations with a trusted person, or engaging in a therapeutic relationship. What works for one person might be different from what works for another.

If you would like to explore your grief, or how you can best cope with it, know that you can reach out. Jewish Family Service is available to help you find the support you may need.

ROSE MURRIN is a social worker who supervises the Kesher and case management programs at Jewish Family Service of Rhode Island. She is the Kesher program representative at Temple Beth Shalom, in Providence. Contact Jewish Family Service at 401-331-1244.