Competing with teens’ ‘second family’

Back to school for parents of adolescents can mean many things, both good and bad: A welcome return to some structure and order or a return to dreaded homework-filled nights and a struggle to find a free minute; a chance to get some much-needed space away from your teen or a struggle to pry your child away from the lure and pull of the “second family” as the school year brings much more contact with friends and peers.

The “second family” is what author and child psychologist Ron Taffel calls the “collective power of the peer group and the pop culture.” He calls it “family” because it provides comfort in ways different from traditional nuclear and extended families. Understanding, empathy, rituals and company are all part of healthy family life and are also what draws teens to spend as much time as possible with their “second family”: teens are still learning to differentiate the empathy and support they receive in the world of texts, emoticons and Instagram from what they receive at home from their “first family.”

Teenage insecurity is not new. But today, accessing relief  has many different paths. Now, adolescents can reach their friends 24/7 through texting and social media. A teen in need of empathy can tweet his woes and get immediate responses from peers. Those in need of reassurance can post a picture of their best-looking self and have 20 likes in two minutes – reminding them that they are indeed attractive.

With the return to school and increased contact with peers, the lure of the “second family” becomes even greater, and parents often struggle to compete. What are parents to do when the power of peers is so strong while the need for parental support and guidance still exists – and is not as irrelevant as a teenager might believe?

Taffel has several ideas to help maintain the family home as a place that adolescents view as a comforting base to connect with family even while they are growing toward independence and adulthood. He suggests that traditional family rituals provide some of the predictability and routine that teens seek. Taffel says many parents mistakenly believe family time must always involve enrichment for their children. He says children, adolescents and adults can all take comfort in simple activities that provide downtime with their families: Cheering on a favorite sports team, a traditional birthday routine with cake and balloons, family movie nights are all comforting rituals.

Taffel also reminds parents that sometimes teens are uncommunicative because parents do not appear to value what is important to them. An adolescent who is prolific when tweeting and texting about who likes whom or what one should wear to watch a football game will usually provide a monosyllabic answer to Mom’s question, “How was school today?” Conversely, Mom’s eyes might glaze over as the topic turns to “What should I wear tonight?”

A parent who expresses a bit of interest in a seemingly insignificant topic is actually helping to pry open the doors of communication. It is important to remember that what might seem of little significance to an adult might be occupying a large portion of their teen’s thoughts.  Maintaining routines and communication at home helps parents and teens bridge the gap that seems so wide during adolescence.

Adolescents gravitating toward the company of their peers is nothing new and is perfectly normal. However, the roles of the first family and home base are still essential in providing the comfort, predictability and routine that teenagers need as they make their way back to the pressures and challenges of school.

BETSY ALPER, LICSW, is clinical director at Jewish Family Service