Judged or judging: It’s not that easy

AS A PERSON with very strong convictions about my Judaism and my Jewish practices, I have to say that I do not feel judged. I wear my convictions quite literally on my sleeve, I am proud of them and own them! Having said so, I would like to present what is perhaps the other side of the coin. That is, quite often I do feel, and sometimes I am even told, that I am judging another person. It is not what I say, not a gesture or a facial expression. It is just there, an elephant in the room that somehow will not go away.

Perhaps there is a natural defensiveness when something is different. Maybe the beard or the conservative mode of dress set me apart, make me look like I am different or is it something else? When I first arrived in Rhode Island over 15 years ago, I would take off my jacket as soon as I entered a meeting room just to make others feel more at ease. Even so, there was always something that made people uncomfortable. Is it my adherence to a strict set of formal, traditional practices that govern every aspect of my life that somehow intimate that I think fellow Jews who are not doing the same are somehow inferior? Truly I am not sure what is, but it makes no difference. Let me explain why:

I try to live my life by the following aphorism, and when I am successful in communicating it I think that people feel a lot more comfortable. In “Ethics of Our Fathers,” a repository of amazing insight into human nature and relationships, the sages taught, “Who is the one who is wise? Somebody who learns from all those around him.” It is true, my Judaism has very defined boundaries, unyielding measures of what is right and what is wrong. This does not give me or anyone else license to pass judgment on another person. It does open the door for meaningful discussion. Sometimes we may come to agree with one another and sometimes we may agree to disagree. This is an inevitable truth of life, just as G-D created people with different facial features so are peoples’ views and perspectives on life going to be different. Life is about a meaningful pursuit of the truth, so that all perspectives count and are helpful in arriving at that goal.

Over many years of teaching and reaching out in an effort to inspire people to explore their Judaism more fully, I have been blessed to form many meaningful relationships with people from across the spectrum of this beautiful community. I have inevitably walked away from these encounters enriched in one way or another. We should put aside our preconceived notions and open ourselves up to one another because even if we are unable to agree we are one family. Genuine love and concern as well as respect for one another is what we should all be striving for.

A final thought on the subject of judging, based on our ancient traditions: The sages taught, “You cannot judge your friend until you have stood in his place.” The reality of the material world is that no two objects can coexist in the same space, which means that no individual can subject someone else to their personal qualifications. We can share ideas, debate them and come to agreement or respectfully disagree, but we cannot judge another from our own perspective. We have to open the door to hearing, seeing and feeling other perspectives. When that does not happen, consider that it may not be because we are being judged but rather because we are judging.

Measuring another by my standard prevents me from making a real connection with what he is expressing. The feeling we have when we feel judged; is that what we wish to project onto someone else? Feeling judged is often the result of our judging. Let’s pause and stop the cycle so that positive energy and understanding can flow, and we finally build the kind of unity we all so deeply desire.

RABBI RAPHIE SCHOCHET is the rosh kollel of the Providence Community Kollel, an organization that provides programs to enhance and enrich Jewish life in Rhode Island.